year in rear view

Started a fresh new journal last night, on the train, on the way to the Deep South to meet my mom for a movie. A solid half hour to myself, undisturbed! Not a lot of people start conversations with you on the train. Especially if you look like you’re deeply engrossed in something. Which I was. With my thoughts.

Starting this year in review in mein kopf. This year is certainly ending much differently than how it begun.

Bloody fingertips, that’s how it began. From popping umpteen bottles of bubbly at a catering function gone horribly wrong. It really sucks when you’re not doing the booze and the people who are end up being completely disorganized and incompetent. Especially on New Years! People. Need. Booze.

Miserable. Those few months spent in Mission, making the long commute out to the kitchen for 10 hour days. Quite grueling, really. Wrestling with my moods. My sanity. OEM not exactly providing much in the way of support. Sucking even more out of me, truth be told.

Yeah, the first half of the year wasn’t too much to write home about. Or to anyone else, for that matter, except maybe Dear Abby.

1st of June. New beginnings. New place. Broken Heart. It healed. Getting smarter. Getting stronger.

Turning 30. Having a shower moment. Wondering if my barren womb will ever be used for that which it was intended. Turning points.

Like a canoe on the verge of tipping, that’s what our relationship felt like. While the river was calm, loving it. Soaking up the sun. Enjoying each other’s everything.

Then we had to hit the rapids, didn’t we? Sort of inevitable, really. Two worlds colliding once again. It’s a wonder nobody drowned.

Gasping for air. I was not so much a fish out of water as a reverted mermaid growing her land legs again. Testing them out.

… a couple of months (and stumbles) later making some purposeful strides. Letting the inner light shine out. Glimpses of brilliance so bright you have to squint.

Letting new relationships in. Letting go of old ones no longer useful.

Knowing the purpose that lies deep within, patiently awaiting its chance to finally emerge. And let me be me.

The way I want it to be.

Defining moment of 2004? Tree hugging in Stanley Park. Almost an afterthought, really. Just about forgot to complete my mission. It sure felt good- arms stretched out as far as they would reach. The rough bark against my fingertips- long since healed from their New Years lashings.

Becoming more alive. Recognizing the moments that will make up the memories I will look back and smile about. Creating more of those moments. Savoring them when they happen. Serendipity. The rhythm of the music moving inside of me, touching my soul. That place inside that is pure feeling. No thought involved, or required. Or even desired.

What it must feel like to fly. Stretch out those wings and soar. Trust the wind, let it lift you up, up, and swoop! Through the valleys. Rising above it all, and leaving all worries behind.

Pain. Suffering. Need. Want. Who needs it? Certainly not the one with the birds eye view.