Samstag, November 26, 2005

3 daze

This girl is on a mission.

I've got a dog to feed & walk, a Christmas party to decorate (and attend), and oh yeah, I'm moving tomorrow!

Already won the soccer game tonight (too bad the Flames didn't win too) and attended a scooter club fundraiser, complete with Burlesque dancers accompanied by my lovely Aussie office mate. Thanks, mate!

Off to pack...

Donnerstag, November 24, 2005

Pet Sitter extraordinar

adopt your own virtual pet!


Over at 2 Hot Chiks, T was looking for her glasses and pondering the results of this excersise:

1) Delve into your blog archive. 2) Search for your 23rd post. 3) Find the 5th sentence, or the closest to it. 4) Post the text of your sentence in your blog along with these instructions. Ponder it for meaning, subtext or hidden agendas.5) Tag 5 people to do the same.

So here is my 23rd post - sentence 5:


Next word? Not Focused. Previous sentence? Long days at my desk with my mind all over the place.

Being the true Gemini that I am, it is always about opposites. Funny that it should be one of the 5 F’s that NL and I discussed yesterday evening, while we were pondering the world and everything in it. Let’s see if I remember them all: Friends/Family, Focus (work/finances), Faith, Fitness, Fun. Yay! (Pats on back). It’s not always easy to remember all the details from such discussions, especially when we get taken off on tangents.

Tangent? Did someone say tangent? Ok, so it’s a year later and not much has changed. In fact, nothing at all has changed. It’s still a long day at my desk (although my desk is now on the third floor next to a window with a SW view), my mind is still all over the place.

Now you! (I’m not gonna tag anyone, just let me know if you do it).

T, hope you found your glasses!

HNT Die Augen haben es

Deine augen
liebe ich
dort faengt
dein laechel an
und hoert nie auf

Mittwoch, November 23, 2005

giving thanks and saying g'bye

Started making soup around 10:30 last night, after yoga and a quick trip to the grocery store. It’s amazing to me how people just show up once the aromas start swirling from the pot. Neighbourlady was the first to arrive, sporting a six pack of my fav dark beer, and bringing news of her son's engagement. Then in came Uhu from one of his 14 + hour days, still transporting piles and piles of clothes. Shortly thereafter NL’s lady friend showed up, very amusingly tipsy, then a not so amusing appearance by the ex roomie’s ex bf. Not happy about the feeling that my mail is being tampered with. Oh well, got it sorted out today, and soon my very presence in this place will be a memory.

It turned into an impromptu going away party of sorts, sharing the brews and the soup, and I found myself thankful for this Motley Crew, every last one of ‘em. Bless us all. I have neighbours, I have soup, I finally have my flannel sheets back. Bless us every one.

Dienstag, November 22, 2005

I have needs

Go to Blogger, type in your name and the word 'needs' in quotation marks, hit go:

"Sass needs":

sass needs to lay off
Sass needs to take A pill and chill out!
SASS needs certain information from the clubs
Sass needs to get this on US radio stations!
Sass needs to tell us what it takes to win it all.
SASS needs blankets, tents and anything you can spare to help them out
SASS needs more volunteers this year to launch the dialogue anew
Sass needs to ooze from your pores and surround you like an intoxicating aroma.
SASS needs to grow
Sass needs a break once in a while
Sass needs to stop acting like Maddox
Sass: Needs little description, but could be the most important one. A sassy woman over 30 gives a man a little jolt in his bolt. I've never met a sassy woman who had any trouble finding a mate.

Montag, November 21, 2005

Halfway Down

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn't any
other stair
Quite like
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top;
so this is the stair
I always

Halfway up the stairs
isn't up
and isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery,
It isn't in the town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head:
"It isn't really
It's somewhere else

- A.A. Milne

Sonntag, November 20, 2005

easy like sunday evening

I feel as satified as a fat tabby cat, basking in the sunny spot on the window seat. It has been a productive as well as lazy weekend, if that's even possible, and I'm practically purring with contentment. Sushi, saki and movies with my sister on the couch has been the order of this late afternoon. This is after I finally roused myself from my deep autumn sleep at 2 pm, had a nice long shower/bath (was feeling a tad indecisive) and made myself a breakfast of champions.

Been working on this whole receiving thing, and so far it's paying off extremely well in my favour. A fridge full of leftovers from Friday's function, a richly renegotiated rental contract for my company's Holiday Fete next week, and a rendezvous with not one, not two but three gentlemen last night can attest to my progress. Is there such a thing as taking this excersise too far? I think not, says she , with a big ass Cheshire grin.

Freitag, November 18, 2005

save the sorrow for tomorrow

I’m feeling a little tipsy. Not such a good thing at 11 am on a workday. Maybe the gintonic/champagne/wine/tripleamaretto from the Englishman’s birthday party last night is just hitting me now… I’m kind of altogether a mess today, no makeup, my eyes red and sore from crying, the roof of my mouth burnt from the eggnog latte I had as breakfast. It has been an emotionally charged day already, from cramming myself into the crowded CTrain car to being told I have to pay my speeding tickets NOW to the wind and the rain that pelted me as I crossed the 14th street bridge, late for work. I have finally swallowed the pride that was holding me back from asking for help. The reality of the red numbers has forced me to rely on the kindness of others right now. What was that my therapist was saying about working on receiving? She’s absolutely right, and my time is way overdue. I gave so much I ended up completely empty. So I’ll continue to hold my head high, graciously accept the generosity of dear friends, and work on my plan of how to repay them. I see a whole lot of catering shifts in my near future. Fine by me, I love people watching at Christmas parties. Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

Donnerstag, November 17, 2005

HNT The Feets have it

A warm summer evening, not necessarily stranded but temporarily delayed, speedboat ride on Lake Okanogan, cider in hand (not in view), wakeboarding lessons later. Life is SWEET.

Sonntag, November 13, 2005

Thanks, Maggie

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye,
but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those."

Samstag, November 12, 2005

The purge is complete

Hard to believe, but my hands have touched every single piece of my paper trail that has accumulated over the past 31 years, all in the past 31 hours. From birth to divorce certificate, it's all there, and then some. The bank statements, bills of sale, fill-in-the-blank insurance policies, in german and in english were really beginning to weigh me down. All of those written testaments that for some reason or another are necessary to *keep, hold on to, don't throw away, whatever you do!* sure do pile up over time. This weekend it was finally time for the mission to organize said pieces of paper, once and for all. And I had the extra motivation of a cute little black next to new filing cabinet to store my files in once I was sucessful in my mission. Thanks, neigbourlady!

I probably got rid of the same amount of papierkramm that I ended up keeping, which is a pretty good result, if you ask me. Just about the same amount of clothes were shed from my closet just one week ago. I'm enjoying this pairing down of belongings, as packing light is a definite advantage for this period of change I feel I'm about to encounter.

Whether my new adventures are going to take me to the other side of the world or into the deep recesses of my brain is yet to be determined. In either case, I'm making room! Da bin Ich gespannt...

Donnerstag, November 10, 2005

HNT Hands

... touching hands... reaching out
touching me
touching you

Sweet Caroline!


Unfotunately, this big beautiful strong hand is far far away from me now, and it will be several months before I feel it around my waist, or stroking my cheek, or pushing elevator buttons & opening doors for me. Sigh.

Montag, November 07, 2005

pic of the day

So my friend Moe finally sent me copies today of her roll of film from our holiday out to Kelowna & Whistler in August. We both had a disposable camera, and kind of got mixed up over the span of the weekend as to whose was whose (and did it really matter, anyway?). Well, I loved this one so much I had to share it. This was hour 2 of the breakdown... unbeknownst to me my fuel pump needed replacing, and this is the spot on the highway where Jules decided to give up the Geist. No cell phone reception round this bend, so we preceeded to set out the blanket with a nice little picnic and have ourselves a grand old time till the towtruck arrived. What I like best is the smile on my face- happy as a clam. Hey, I'm on VayKayShun here, lovin' it!

Life's a journey, not a destination.

Sonntag, November 06, 2005

"choose your raindrops carefully"

Sunday night and I feel expired. This weekend was so absolutely chock full of weekendness that it's hard to slow it down enough to see the individual stripes on this spinning top.

They're but flashes of exploding light, like my own personal little fireworks show.

Funking out to this band, thinking damn, there IS something about those musicians.

The faces of the people at the homeless dinner I volunteered at this afternoon as I served them perhaps their first hot meal in a week or two.

Getting kicked out of our hotel's hottub, completely naked, at sometime around 3 or 4 this morning. (Got to cross that one off my list, too!)

Literally running into my old bud, the marathon man, outside (un)said hotel this morning.

Liquid birthday dinner with Dad.

Now it's a mere 52 hours or so since it began, but it feels much like a leap year and a millisecond rolled into one.

The painting didn't get done, but thanks to Uhu's expertise and iron willed decisiveness, I did reduce my wardrobe by about half. I thankfully did get to hang on to a few cherished items (via our most excellent 3-5 item veto system).

Now it's time to rest my weary booty shaking bod into the freshly made up bed of thick flannel sheets, and dream of early morning conversations with richly accented sexy europeans (or wait, that really did happen, heehee).

The saying IS true, it never rains it fucking pours, and I'm out there dancing in my cotton dress and rubber boots, my face tilted skywards to catch some of that warm summer rain.

Donnerstag, November 03, 2005

Inventory of the heart

The smell of the sweet grass I burned last night still lingered this morning. It was the first night I have spent in my own bed since fleeing the crib over 5 weeks ago. A restless night in my now more than half empty pad, with an echo reverberating through the core and an emptiness in my heart too vast ever to be filled again. She left. She’s gone. But she took
The shower curtain
The curtains and rod from her room (not hers)
Every last roll of toilet paper except one
The cutlery my mom gave me- but only the soup spoons and knives (?)
My lamp from the living room

She left
A black cowboy hat
About 2 tablespoons of maple syrup from a one liter jug
A moldy take out container of Sweet & Sour soup
Various books:
“Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior”
“Awaken Healing Light”
“Each Day a new Beginning”
“Delivered from Distraction”
“Seven Spiritual Laws”
65 glass beads hot glued to the bathroom mirror
(and two that fell off)
A broken window
161 nail holes in the walls

It’s easier to take inventory than try to express my sense of loss.

A question came into my mind last night, as I tried to focus on my breathing during yoga class.
Will I ever feel at home again in this place?
The answer, sadly, a resounding NO.
Our friendship, irreparably damaged on both of our parts, is over.
And so as well, any concept or vision of an urban family we once shared.
May it rest in peace, and may we all heal from this experience, and each of us seek the help we need.