Donnerstag, September 08, 2005

Many rivers to cross

The feeling that I was precisely where I should be washed over me as I drove up the winding road to Lake Minnewanka. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat. How come it’s so easy to forget that simple procedure?

A sure sign that I have been stressed lately: the insides of my cheeks are raw from chewing on them. This is a rather new habit- observed over the past two or three months. And a lot of jaw clenching.

I am a person who believes that different ailments/illnesses relate directly to life situations/conflicts. Shoulders hurt? You’re taking on too much responsibility. Stomach pains? You’re sick from worry & have unspoken relationship tension. My firmly shut mouth speaks volumes that I am not.

Maybe it’s time to get verbal?

Holding it all inside really only makes it worse. Und sauer! It’s time to be wisely honest with myself, and clear those cobwebs once and for all. Make something of myself during this time spent on earth- contribute while at the same time being true to my truest inner self.

I have paused here (and paused, and paused due to a couple of Mountain Goat jams) to gather and make note of these thoughts that have floated into my mind, as I drink in all of the beauty of the Lake and mountains that surround me.

Although I had anticipated bad news from the Doctors office today, there was a twist for the worse in store for me.

I feel like a puppy that has been kicked, whimpering, crawling into my safe spot for peace, shelter and to heal. I feel like staying in this place for an extended period of time. I’m so shattered to the core that it’s going to take me a very long time to pick up these pieces.

Realistically, I know I can’t hide out here in the protection of the mountains forever (although it is such a tempting and comforting thought). I have to return to the city, to my job and my life and live day to day adding more and more of the things that make me happy to it.

Spending time with friends and family, yoga, soccer, working out regularly, taking bubble baths, preparing healthful food and sharing it with my urban family.

I feel their support, even all the way out here. And I’m deeply thankful for the soft place to land that lovingly awaits me upon my return.

But for now, as the raindrops landing on the windshield multiply, I’ll head back down the winding road into the semi-civilization of the township (I used to call it Disneyland) and cook up a lovely scallop veggie teriyaki vermicelli stir fy to accompany our lovely red wine. My Banfite Butt-saver (how I *heart* you, babe!) and I are going to dine, read our fairy cards, and if I’m lucky, she’ll work on some of those lumps in my back a little…


Steve hat gesagt…

Reminds me of a cute hallmark card of a hamster writing a note (not sure why it was a hamster), anyway his writing says "Thought of you. Got gas. Pretty sure the two weren't related."

Get well. Inside & out.

SG hat gesagt…

Thank you. I appreciate it. And you. I almost went out to the cliffs that we walked on last time... but I'll wait for our return trip for that.